Double-D: Amatuer Writer

I haven’t been writing much here because I’ve felt like I’ve needed to keep some stuff in the dark. If you ever met me in real life, you’d know that I have a huge mouth. So, keeping secrets is definitely not a character quality that I possess. Now that the world knows that I’m pregnant. I can get these things out. 

Things they don’t warn you about pregnancy in Health Class: 

- You will not take a shit ever again. Like, the most basic human function of changing your food intake into crap is something that your body just forgets how to do. 

- Belly bloat. You thought your period was bad? That two Chipotle burrito food baby? A large strawberry milkshake and an In ‘N’ Out Double Double made you balloon up? Wait ‘til you’re going 8 weeks strong and you should just hook a small wicker basket to your belly button and let a small family of fleas go on a hot balloon ride. 

- Fake looking real boobs. I blossomed very late in life and that’s a freaking understatement, but one day I woke up and my boobs felt like two heavy rocks. I went up a band size and a cup size. Where was the boob fairy when I was 14?!

-Go ahead. Wear a tank top under a long sleeve shirt under a sweater. Your left nipple will still get hard at random times for, like, no reason at all. 

- Hear that? Yup, you’re stomach is grumbling even though you just pounded out two corn dogs, a large order of chili cheese fries and a $1 cheeseburger. Oh, you thought Thanksgiving dinner was going to fill you up? Wait for Thanksgiving dinner #2, #3 and #4 all before 9pm. Because you will always be hungry. 

-Never fart in front of your significant other before? Just wait ‘til you fall asleep on the couch. 

-Oh, yeah. About falling asleep on the couch. Be ready to fall asleep on the couch, on the toilet, standing in the shower, leaning on a clothes rack at Target, or on the carpet a foot away from the bed because you just couldn’t make it any farther. 

Couldn’t they have said all this shit was going to happen to my body? Or did I thoughtfully block that out?