D just wants to be lazy and stay inside today. He has soaked through a couple of shirts with the constant drooling so I’m pretty sure he’s teething. He almost fell asleep on the couch so maybe it’s also a growth spurt. Maybe he just knows I’m pmsing and is cutting me some slack.
Oddly, these “lazy days,” where we spend it all at home and only go outside for a little while, I feel like I’m doing him a disservice because we’re not doing ALL THE THINGS! I think I need to look up some minimalist parenting info. I need to reign in this feeling that I need to jam pack every single day with activities for him.
D slept terribly last night. I don’t know if it was his teeth or something else bothering him but he was up crying and whining every hour. Even with Hubz and I taking turns, it was exhausting. We probably got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep each.
Today, I’m feeling pretty bummed out. I want a vacation or a date night. I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired from last night or if it’s PMS or the fact that there’s dishes in the sink and laundry to be put away. It could be a high anxiety day. It could be because I haven’t had a solid time to work on my novel and I’m WAY behind. It could be because I still don’t know what was wrong with D that he slept so horribly. I just feel kind of burned out and on the edge.
I don’t know what I need. I just needed to vent a little.
Today, one of the moms pulled me aside at Gymboree and started the conversation by saying that a couple of the other moms were talking about me. My first thought was, “Oh boy, what are they judging me for this time?” (Of course, I’m a bit of a pessimist)
She said, “They were talking about how active Declan is. They were saying how tired you must be all the time and how you probably need a stiff drink at the end of the day.” To this, I just laughed and said, “Yeah, I totally do most days!” She followed up by saying, “He’s just the most ‘busy’ babies I’ve ever seen. You’re doing great. Those moms said they don’t think they could handle it.”
Now, I don’t think D is much different than most kids. He is very physical and likes to be moving, kicking a ball, throwing something, running, but I just don’t have a kid who likes to sit much.
Oddly, I feel a little validation from our conversation. I feel like they understand the struggles I have sometimes. So often, I see parents tear each other down and have the “Who has is worst?” contest all the time, in real life and on the internet. I haven’t had an experience where a mom laughed with me and gave me a pat on the back like that before. It was an amazing feeling.
I’m having a hard time writing while D is awake. He plays by himself pretty well, but I have this guilt that I have to deal with. I feel guilty if I’m not playing with him or doing something for the house (cleaning, cooking, etc).
Don’t get me wrong, this kid is not bored. This weekend, we were gone for 4 days at my in-laws. We went to the beach, a wedding where D danced his booty off and the zoo. On Tuesday, we went to the gym then played outside and in the baby pool. On Wednesday, he had swim lessons, went to the kid’s science museum, played baseball outside. Today, we went to the inflatable in-door kid’s gym and played outside. Tomorrow, we’ll go to Gymboree class, the grocery store and bowling.
Yet, I feel like even when he’s just playing trains or building blocks that I should be right there with him. If I’m sitting on the couch or in the kitchen on my laptop or with a notebook, I feel crappy about it.
How do I let it go and just get some words down? How do I manage this guilt and let D play independently without feeling like a crappy mom?
I wrote a poem about a shady ass cat. tbh, all cats are pretty shady.