BabyD didn’t want to nurse at all today.
I guess I was right.
I’m just going to sit over here and cry now.
I’m pretty sure that BabyD and I will have our last breastfeeding session any day now. It’s weird that this kind of thing gradually happens. Since he’s been biting and having a couple of formula bottles a day, he’s also been eating more solid foods and has become increasingly disinterested in nursing. Unless it’s nap or sleeping time, he pushes off and wants to go play instead. Even the nap/sleep nursing sessions are getting shorter and shorter. I don’t know how to feel about it.
On one hand, I know that this had to have happened eventually. I know that I encouraged it by giving him bottles. Although, I do know that after starting him on bottles, he has gained more weight and is at a better ratio. His doctor is very happy with that. I know that I brought this on and a lactation consultant would definitely consider this Mother-Led Weaning. I still feel guilty. He’s only 9 months old. I should have been able to keep this going longer. I should be able to keep him focused on nursing. I should be a better mother. (Do you see how quickly this internal dialogue progresses?)
When I was pregnant, I read a very sad blog about parents being excited about the “Firsts” (i.e. first steps, first words, etc) but mourning the “Lasts” (i.e. last time they cuddle with you before bed, last time they nurse, last time they call you Mommy and instead say Mom, last time they feed you soggy Cheerios). The Lasts occur without you even knowing, the Lasts sneak up on you and all of a sudden, your kid won’t even hug you goodnight, they’ll just murmur and sneak into their teenage cave/bedroom. Any number of our nursing sessions will be our last and our relationship will change. He won’t be dependent on my body for food. He won’t need me for that. Obviously, I’m still the one who buys the food, makes the food and puts in on his highchair tray, but it’s DIFFERENT.
I’m still his mom. I am still doing my best. I love him and I know, logically, that he still needs me. I know that he will still love me even though I only nursed him until his was only 9 months old. But, I can’t help but feel a little sad about it.